Swords, Wands, & Coins

From soldier to sojourn: a life update

These past couple weeks that I’ve been out the hospital—or whatever it’s been, time is weird—have felt more productive than the entire first half of the year. Which is funny ‘cause I’ve been slowing down, focusing on building my energy back and experiencing some shaman healing (I’ll be diving deeper into that in the next essay I’m whipping up for The Self-Made Bestseller). Working again, too—also slowly, especially with the voice gigs, since my esophagus feels full of spiders—but I’m taking a new approach to the hustle, meditating on the next move and practicing discipline and consistency over the restless grind, which is a hundred percent what finally put me in the hospital. I’ll find out on the sixteenth what the biopsies and ultrasound shit says about my gut and why it’s tearing itself open, but it doesn’t take a doctor or psychic to see I been steady sabotaging myself burning the candle at both ends for too long.

I’ve decided I do want to see my kids grow up and experience a long life with my queen, not attempt to secure a quick bag to leave them with early. So I’m listening to my gut, seeking help with mystics I trust to get the chakras realigned and do some ancestral plane healing, and I’ve become hardcore about my diet, which is nothing mind-blowing. Just no alcohol, supplementing high quality and high dosage vitamins in place of energy drinks, more greens and grilled food on the plate. No more fried shit. Plus kimchi, kefir, and whatever the Rare Candy gang says I should try.

As for the work stress, I just gotta learn to trust myself. I know what I’m meant to do and yeah, it’s stressful having a family I want to give the whole world to while whole time I’m not just getting it out the mud, I’m clawing my way from the bottom of a pit, but steady moving in the right direction is going to pay off faster than fearfully snatching up way too many small gigs just to feel like there’s money coming in. Taking the wrong jobs can be a major detour from the real payoff. I’m slowing down enough to see that now.

That’s basically what the tarot spread above is saying, too. The King of Swords possesses clarity and authority, and I don’t think it’s coincidence that in this spread he’s facing away from the work represented in the next two cards. Everyone in this spread is looking away from each other, saying that along with newfound success and confidence (Six of Wands), with a more focused determination and a calm but steady attention to the craft (Eight of Pentacles), there’s no room for getting hung up on individual steps or flexing in the mirror. It’s more about internalizing the process and embodying the journey, which takes a lot of faith in your own instincts, but also requires ego death. I take the Lovers and Strength being drawn inverted to mean something similar: this isn’t a time for outward bursts of passion and flexing that will only flicker for the moment until you’ve exhausted that energy into burnout. Love and Strength are to be internalized as well. I am not Me, I am a vessel. It’s time to patch the cracks and refill.

David and I were interviewed by Ryan Simón for the next issue of American Vulgaria, which drops next week. The collagist blend of exploitative trash and beauty, of dumb humor and high art in the aesthetic of this magazine is 100% the type of shit I fuck with, and Ryan has woven gold again with this issue. You can pre-order HERE.

You can also pre-order my collection God Is Wearing Black, dropping August 8 through Broken River.

Also, just ‘cause it hypes me up to see a local boy hitting it big time, check out That Mexican OT’s new video with the legends Johnny Dang and Paul Wall:

Be easy. Preciate y’all.